Ladygen-MS Emotions and Poetry Lair

MSBUTTON

(These little bunnies remind me of how I used to be!)

About Me

The song I chose is "All By Myself".
At that time, the song "All By Myself",would pretty well sum up my life.

It Has Taken Eight Long Years To Finally Tell This Story.

"It's Just Me".

In The Beginning

I was born in a small town in Newfoundland, Canada.
I was constantly on the go-as my Dad would say "I had ants in my pants".

I graduated from high school with honors!I started my first job as a bank teller.
At the age of seventeen, I came to the big city of TORONTO, Ontario.I continued my careeer in banking.I met my husband a few months after I came to Toronto, and at the age of eighteen, we got married.

Our first child,a daughter, was born a year later.Times were tough, we did not have very much money and I went back to work when our daughter was three months old.Because of my husbands occupation, (he was a Trucker),I was left to handle the responsibilities of raising our daughter, working,taking care of household finances,and household chores.

BUT! I was a 120 lb "ball of fire".I very seldom spent time sitting and reading or watching TV. My friends would tease me and say "I was making them dizzy".

Eight years later, we had a son. Well, he had me running around in circles.Fortunately, I was able to take a long leave from work and stay at home with him.

I went back to work when he was four.This time taking on a different career.I started working in an insurance office. My husband had changed careers,and now he was working three different shifts.He certiantly helped as much as possible. BUT being the "Independent Person" I was, I still continued on "with ants in my pants".

I went further in my career and got my Agents License,selling Auto,Home and Life Insurance.I still put my family first.I would come home from work, make supper, take my daughter to her different activities and my son to hockey practice or music lessons.

Yes,we had some difficult times,as most all of us do,but it was wonderful to be able to run,ride a bicycle,and dance. I loved to dance.

In 1989, my life was shattered.My mother passed away and I felt such a loss.I could not eat or sleep for months.But I had to keep going for my family.It sure was not easy. Even though it's now been 11 years, I still miss her, so much.

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The Fatal Day!

November 8th,1990, at 5:30 pm, I was driving home from work and a vehicle ran a stop sign,and my vehicle ended up across a field.The driver of the other vehicle "LEFT THE SCENE". A passer by,stopped and called 911. I was taken to hospital where I spent some time recovering from a closed head injury.

This was very hard for my family.I don't remember too much about all of this, only what they have told me.

BUT I REMEMBER THAT A DRIVER LEFT ME, NOT KNOWING WHETHER I WAS DEAD OR ALIVE AND MY FEELINGS AT THAT TIME WERE "MAY HE ROT IN HELL". Also,MERRY CHRISTMAS TO WHOEVER YOU ARE!

Finally I came home from hospital, but things just weren't the same.Something, besides the closed head injury was happening to me.I had tingling and a burning pain in my legs, I fell frequently, my vision would blur, my fine motor skills were similar to a baby's.

So,my doctor made an appointment with the neurologist.He did some further testing and said "you are still recovering from the closed head injury-give it some time". Months went by and I was feeling even worse. I was so tired,"The ants in my Pants" had gone away.I struggled to do the simplest chore.I saw my doctor again and with my suggestion, he made an appointment with another neurologist in Toronto.After hours of discussions and testing, I was admitted to the hospital for a spinal tap,evoked potential and brain scan.

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I was discharged a few days later and on the following saturday,I got a call from the neurologist.She said "you have Multiple Sclerosis".How did I get this and what happens now.

My doctor sent me back to the first neuroligist,who by then had the report regarding the diagnosis.He admitted me to hospital where he started me on "prednisone".Naturally, I gained weight, which slowed me down even more.By this time I was using a cane (I hated that dam cane)-everyone looked at me (so I thought).

I was sent home again and things sure were not looking any better.I sat night after night, rocking in a chair, from pain in my legs.I thought "I can't go on,I think it would be better if I just quietly slipped away". Course,that didn't work and I ended up back in hospital,having my stomach pumped" and a physiatrist sitting at my side".

So began another NIGHTMARE, "maybe",the neurologist said," the pain was all in my head". "No, I Said,its in my legs".I could not convince him of this at the time.So,home I go again,with (that dam cane).I spent night after night crying in pain.The neurologist that had diagnosed the MS,was no longer working at the Toronto Hospital.Things were getting worse,and I ended up now using a walker.(Never did get a name for that).But the dam cane was of no use to me now.

I was in and out of hospital several times over the next few months and by this time,the neurologist had me on so many different medications, I didn't care if I got out of bed or not. Also, my insurance company had their "neurologists" look at me as well. Now, I am confused,"I don't have MS", "not sure what is wrong". Possibly,these symptoms I have are "all in my mind". Yeah, thats what is wrong! I don't have pain, my vision isn't blurred, my legs will work if I want them too.

So,we're not sure what is wrong.We have to do more tests.I felt like I was caged in a laboratory.Course, my doctor,who was not sure what to do-started me on narcotics-that worked for the pain but now I had another label,besides being psychotic,I now had the label of a drug addict.(I live in a small town-word travels fast).

By this time in my life,I did not care what was happening. Just stop this Merry-Go-Round, and let me get off. I went to bed and except to bathe and go to the bathroom,I stayed there for almost a year.(Honest To God!)

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My daughter was married by now, and we had grandchildren.She used to visit me frequently,bringing the kids,up to my world, "MY BEDROOM". How she must have felt looking at her "Ants in her Pants Mother", who was now barely moving.I know she shed many tears when she left.

Our son, suffered as well.Oh!how he suffered! He was only a young teenager,and I was not able to be there for him anymore. He,was very alone,and silently would think "where is my mother".

My husband lost his wife. She was not the same person he married, he did not know what to do. He stayed by me and I now thank God he did. When I say "now",I believe in God again. I lost faith for a long time. There was no God for me at that time.

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Copyrighted � 1998 Gloria C.